Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Hair-Binger of Doom

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This week’s episode opens at the Gorga house. Teresa and her girls drop by to visit. Milania wants to see the studio; so the kids go down to the basement to the Melissa singing studio to play and be on display.

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I’m Melissa!

Teresa tells Melissa about her Milania hair care line. She explains that she asked her fans to help name her new hair care line and they voted for ‘Milania’. Melissa shows Teresa her mock-up photo for her book cover. Teresa says in her talking head that Melissa looks beautiful, but where the hell is her brother? Good question! It’s a marriage book… hello?

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Fingers crossed that one day I’ll wake up and be JLo.

Melissa’s talking head says she is afraid to let Teresa in and trust her completely because she suspects that Teresa is behind the cheating rumors that are being spread about Melissa. Jacqueline is back from her plastic surgery get-a-way and her kids are very excited to see her. It’s challenging for Nick to be away from her because he prefers his normal routine.

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I’m a little teapot … !

It’s so sweet to see Jac greet her children. Even the babysitter is crying. It’s too much! Richie and Kathy are grocery shopping and of course bickering. Joey texted Richie while they’re at the store. He invites Richie to a cigar bar for some guy time. Kathy is at the bakery checking out the store’s cannoli situation. Richie asks the bakery if they’re hiring. He never quits! The guys meet up at the cigar place. Joey tells the guys that Melissa goes crazy if he doesn’t touch her sexually. The guys aren’t buying it because apparently once Melissa was texting the entire time they were intimate. Ya, sounds like she digs him big time!

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Me have issues! Tarzan need sexy time!

Joey tells the guys that Melissa’s birthday is coming up and he wants everyone to get together to celebrate. Chris Laurita suggests going to a spa resort in Arizona. Richie tells Joey that wherever he decides to take Melissa for her birthday that he needs to make sure the place has wifi so she’s entertained while he tries to bang her. lol!

And now we’re in Hoboken! The Manzo kids are rearranging the furniture at Caroline’s apartment. Caroline hates the way the kids placed her rug and Al hates that he has to turn his head to watch tv because of where Caroline decided to move the sofa. Why did they even decide to move the furniture anyway? These people need to get a hobby! The kids all say at once that their dad hates their mom. Then Al just says that he needs to go back to work. Way to change the subject, Al!

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FML!!!

Caroline says fine as long as he gives her money for food shopping. Do these people on this show not have a debit card? Always keeping tons of cash around … Lauren says her parents marriage is fine and all old school because that works for them, but not her! She needs her independence and her own money. Cut to Vito and Lauren having dinner and Vito brings up them possibly getting married soon. Lauren wants no part of it! She says in her talking head that before she lost weight she had a ring picked out and now she doesn’t even care. She just wants to focus on work. Poor Vito, he really wants to take their relationship to the next level; so he asks if they should at least move in together. Lauren shuts that down too, but blames it on Vito’s parents. I think that’s a blessing in disguise for good ol’ Vito! Lauren doesn’t even approve of what Vito orders for dinner. She tells him she has been eating healthy and orders them a salad to share. Vito informs her that he really wanted a dish for himself and it ain’t salad.

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You are going to eat a salad and like it!

Lauren’s talking head says that all Vito likes to do is sit on the couch and watch tv. She says that’s what fat people do and it’s boring. Ok… these 2 are doing great! Melissa and Joey are at a hookah bar and she orders a Grey Goose and cranberry drink. I hope the people who hired her to promote their vodka line are ok with that. Voli Spirits would probably rather their spokesperson drink their brand. Especially on tv!

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My secret is out … I hate Voli “vocka”!

Joey takes the time to share with Melissa that he invited Richie and Kathy, Chris and Jacqueline to her birthday get-a-way. He also wants to invite Teresa and Juicy Joe. Melissa was against it at first, but I think a hit off the hookah convinced her otherwise. Jac, Caroline, Kathy and Richie, Rosie, Juicy Joe and Teresa join the hookah party and they all toke out and dine together. Well not everyone hits the hookah just Melissa, Joey, Rich and Kathy. Joey decides to invite everyone to Melissa’s birthday spa retreat. They all agree to go and Joey thinks he’s a genius because he says everyone gets along when they are on a vaca together. Here come the belly dancers. Melissa and Juicy get up to dance with them while Rosie makes it rain on them like they are strippers. Back to the Gorgas house and the kids are having a snowball fight with Joey and Melissa wants none of it! She got all pissy when Joey hit her with a snowball. What gives? Looked like a good time to me! Teresa calls Melissa while they’re outside to invite her to the Milania hair care launch party. She warns Melissa that Penny and Jan have r.s.v.p. yes to her hair care lauch because they’re salon owners that carry her hair care line. Melissa is hesitant about going. Teresa tells her not to worry because she has her back, but urges Melissa to stand up to Penny and Jan about the rumors they’re spreading about her past. Joey wants to go with Melissa to protect her from the bitches. Kathy and Caroline meet up to talk about their husbands. Caroline says Al has a man cave and an office in their home that he never uses because he’s always at work. Kathy complains that Richie always tends to make her decisions for her and it’s annoying plus he follows her around everywhere. Caroline advises her to stand up for herself to Richie and let him know that she can think for herself. Cut to Teresa, she’s getting ready for her launch party when Kim D. comes over. She asks Teresa who’s coming to the party. Teresa tells her Melissa and Kim D. makes a face, but assures her that everything will go well. Melissa is getting a manicure with her friends that we’ve never seen before. She shares with her friends that she’s worried about going to Teresa’s hair care launch party because Jan, Penny and Kim D. are going to be there. She’s also not sure that she can trust Teresa. lol, side note: Melissa just said, “Do I look like the parking lot kind of girl?” My husband walked in just as she said that and he answered her with, “Kind of!” I love getting a male perspective on the hw shows. That was classic! Then he got the franchises confused and asked if she is the one that’s married to the Atlanta Falcons player. lol! Time to go back and sit down now, hubby!

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Monkey see, monkey do!

Look at these two! I imagine that this kind of stuff goes on all day at the Giudice home. I bet Juicy Joe and Teresa are very relieved that school is starting soon! Teresa says that she must scream Milania’s name a million times a day, but she’s the one that gives the most love and kisses. Awe! Now we’re at the Walkiles and Richie is curious about what Kathy is baking. He also wants her to pack her operation up and go bake at her test kitchen that he bought her. Kathy shares with Richie that she doesn’t like the test kitchen and she’s upset he got it for her without consulting her first.

Serenity now!

Serenity now!

Richie told Kathy that he was just trying to help, but fine; she’s on her own. Everyone is posing for the step and repeat at the Milania hair care launch party. Juicy Joe can’t stop grabbing Teresa’s ass long enough to take a decent pic. So sweet!

Don't make me flip a table, Joe!

Don’t make me flip a table, Joe!

Juicy gets introduced to Penny and he has no idea who she is. Melissa and Joey arrive and I swear that they are in a different luxury vehicle each episode! Do they pick cars to match their outfits or what? Melissa’s coat is bangin’ though and so is her dress! It could be borrowed, but she looks good! She’s on point with everything this evening right down to her Louis Vuitton clutch. I’m loving it! I like Melissa and Joey and Teresa and Juicy Joe being on good terms. It’s nice! Kim D., Penny and Jan are on the sidelines at the launch party talking mad shit about Melissa. I don’t know what to think about all of that. Do they have proof that Melissa cheated on Joey? I’m not even sure why they care! I do know that Jan looked better as a blonde. Just say’n!

Wait, Melissa did what to whom and they did it where?!?

Wait, Melissa did what to whom, where?!?

Kim D. hugs Melissa and tells her she’s sorry about all the rumors going on about her. Melissa says whatever because the rumors being spread about her are false; so she’s ok. Kim D.  tells her that’s great because they find themselves in each other’s company a lot and it’s nice to know that they can have a drink together in spite all the drama. Speaking of… here comes Jan! Right off the bat she asks Melissa if she has a problem. Melissa explains that Jan must because she’s been going around talking crazy shit about her. Jan tells her that the rumors are true and she knows because she was there. Jan tells her that she didn’t care who was there because she still went to the parking lot of the sushi restaurant with her ex and gave him a blow job one night. This is getting interesting! Teresa has that deer caught in headlights look while all of this is going down. Melissa asks Jan why she’s bringing all these old rumors about her out and reminds her that they are friends. Jan tells her that she has a dark past and it’s time for it to be exposed. Ouch! Note to self: Don’t befriend Jan .. no matter what! Teresa busts in asking if Melissa is ok. Jan answers that everything is fine. Joey says he’s upset that Jan turned on Melissa and everything she’s saying about her are lies. Oh now here comes Penny. She tells Melissa that hell ya she spread gossip about her! Melissa is curious as to how Penny got involved in spreading rumors about her past. Penny says that she was asked questions and so she answered them. Simple as that! Penny won’t share who asked her all those questions about Melissa though. Melissa is confused because she’s never met Penny; so why is she all up in her koolaid? Melissa tells Teresa to go entertain her guests because she wants to talk to Penny one on one. Melissa tells Penny that she’s getting used and abused by whoever it is that was prodding Penny for the Melissa scoop. Melissa and Joey think Teresa is the one Penny is protecting.

Join us back here next week while the cast goes on their Arizona spa retreat. We’ll also be live tweeting during hte episode. Come have fun with us and thanks for reading!

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